Where to get help

Ever wonder where you can get help or more information about unhealthy relationships? Here are a few important links to check out!

Loveisrespect.org
Features a live chat and relationship quizzes to help you identify if you are in danger.

Breakthecycle.org
Get the 411 on what dating violence is and find out how you can get a restraining order.

Thatsnotcool.com
Send anonymous call out cards to let someone know they're not being cool, play fun games and create your own avatar.

Athinline.org
Your one stop shop about digital dating violence and bullying. It's an MTV Campaign, so you know it's awesome!

Nwnetwork.org
The NW Network offers Bisexual, Trans, Lesbian and Gay specific support and resources.

Showmelovedc.org
Another great resource for LGBT teens. Take quizzes, get the facts and know your rights!

Mystrength.org
Are you a strong man? This is the place for you to find information and spread the word that your strength is not for hurting! Send postcards and get resources.

DATING VIOLENCE CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE!

LGBTQ teens face added stress.

Being lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer can mean added stress for teens like you. While teens in general experience more stress fitting in, cramming homework in before the big game, and trying to memorize information that we think we'll never use again, LGBTQ teens face even more challenges due to homophobia. A lot of people think that there is less abuse in LGBTQ relationships because the partnership is more "equal." That is a myth; LGBTQ teens have plenty more to deal with than the power of gender.

In fact, according to Break the Cycle up to 50% of people who identify as LGBTQ will experience abuse at the hands of their bf/gf. People that already experience discrimination because of their dating preference can internalize the prejudice, mostly without realizing it. With a fear that there is no one who might understand and therefore no way to deal with it, hurt and anger can be directed at a partner.

So what can you do?

While it's tough to bring up dating violence in general, it can be even tougher to do it to an LGBTQ teen because of the fear that people may find out before they are ready to come out. This is often what a partner may use to threaten or coerce another partner. Recognize the signs---look for changes in attitude and self-esteem; school attendance or performance; mood; and sleeping, eating, and social patterns. Notice how your friend is talking to their partner. Are the texts or phone calls out of control? Is your friend's partner always checking up on them or not allowing them to spend time with friends and family? Check out any bruises or marks and question explanations that don't add up.

The most important thing you can do is be a nonjudgmental listener. Ask questions, express concern and offer resources. If you feel you don't have the skills to help them out, find someone who can. Here are some helpful resources, always remember to contact an adult if you feel your friend is in trouble.

Communities United Against Violence of California (CUAV): Diverse volunteers and staff are available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year to support LGBTQQ people facing harassment, threats, attacks, and abuse. Phone: (415) 777-5500; 24 Hour Support Line: (415) 333-HELP Click here for their website!

Another Closet: Domestic Violence in Gay and Lesbian Relationships: Offers referrals for the person experiencing the abuse, support for friends and family of a LGBTQ person experiencing abuse, and personal stories. Click here to check it out!

The Northwest Network: A network of bisexual, trans, lesbian & gay survivors of abuse.Check it out!

Show Me Love DC: Show Me Love DC is a campaign to raise awareness about healthy relationships and provide resources for LGBTQ survivors of intimate partner violence. Click here for their website!

Have additional questions? Call the National Teen Dating Violence Hotline 24/7! 1-800-799-7233

(Information from Livestrong.com)

Schools out, It's officially summertime!

Now that school is out for the summer, there is more time to hang with friends, play video games, go to the beach and.....date? Yes, it's true. With no homework to worry about, going out to the movies with your crush is on your mind, right? That's cool, but do you know how to go out with someone safely? Here's a few tips on how to have an awesome time with that crush, safely:

Go out with people you know and trust
It's not always possible to become friends before going out with someone, but try to get to know them through a group activity or a double-date before you go solo. You'll see how your date-to-be gets along with others, and you'll get some good clues about what to expect from them. If you can't hang out in a group before you go out with them, try to talk on the phone before you make plans. Getting to know your crush before you go out gives you more to talk about and less to feel awkward about when you spend time together. Avoid meeting up with people from Facebook and twitter, I mean you've seen the news headlines, right?

Talk to your parents
Ok I know, parents are not our go to love life advisers. But they are the key to your safety. You don't have to tell them every single detail about how cute you think your crush is, but tell them who you're with and where you will be. The more info the better. Decide on a time you plan on coming home, and stick to that or call if plans change. You know how worried parents get! Don't give them a reason, take charge of your own safety. You might be surprised what they will trust you with. If you "forget" to tell your parents, make sure that an adult you can trust and a friend know where you are and who you are with.

That cell phone you're eyes are constantly glued to? Bring that along! This is a time when it may come in handy. Be prepared for the unexpected: You might need a ride home, some extra cash or a way to bail if your crush turns out to be totally lame.

Know your limits and communicate them
Think about your personal values and what you expect from this hang out before leaving the house. Be sure to let the person you're going out with know what makes you comfortable, what makes you uncomfortable and what kinds of things you'd like to avoid on your date, whether it's sex, alcohol, spicy foods or those spinny rides that make you sick. Let them know what kinds of things you would like to do, too! Plus, be sure you know and respect their limits as well.

If you feel uncomfortable about a situation, say "no" clearly and confidently. You're always allowed to change your mind about something, too. If someone likes and respects you, they'll back off. Don't worry: They will most likely ask you out again. And if they don't-their loss! If someone doesn't respect your decision, stay safe by leaving the situation.

Avoid drugs and alcohol 
Drugs and alcohol compromise your ability to make smart decisions and to escape dangerous situations. They can make you take risks you wouldn't usually take with your body, your car and your safety in general. They also prevent you from getting to know what your date is really like and keeps them from getting to know the real you.

If you feel like your hands will fall off if you don't have a drink on a date or at a party, keep an eye on your drink at all times. Many teens are sexually assaulted after someone slips drugs into whatever they're drinking.

Go out, don't hang out
Getting out of the house for dates is always a good goal, especially if it's your first time going out with somebody. Not only is it safer to hang out in a public place such as a restaurant, movie theater or coffee shop, it's fun to discover new places with someone else. Going out rather than hanging out tells your date that you think they're special and want to explore the world--not just the cable channels--with them.

If you want to spend some time alone with the person you're seeing, wait until you've had a few dates and have set ground rules for alone time. Even if your date wants to stroll through an empty park or make out in the car, you don't have to go along with it. Trust your gut, and don't be afraid to say no and call it a night.

Know the warning signs of an abusive relationship
Dating violence is extremely common among teens. 1 in 4 teens have or will experience it. Even if your crush is charming and sweet at first, look out for signs of abusive relationships, such as:

• isolating you from friends and family
• having angry outbursts
• blaming others for problems
• threatening to hurt you during arguments
• getting extremely jealous for no reason
• trying to control you by belittling your values or ideas.

If these warning signs sound like someone you're dating, take a step back and reevaluate the relationship. If you need help figuring out what to do, talk to a school guidance counselor, social worker, teacher, pastor or domestic violence hotline. You are not alone!

Oh, and don't forget to have fun! Hang with your friends too, you don't have to go out with anyone to have an awesome summer.

Information from http://teenadvice.about.com/od/datingrelationships/tp/Dating-Safely.htm

So...what exactly is a healthy relationship?

Everyone likes to talk about "healthy relationships," but what exactly is a healthy relationship? Find out! And see if your relationship stacks up.

  Mutual respect. Does your BF/GF get how cool you are and why? (Watch out if the answer to the first part is yes but only because you're acting like someone you're not!) The key is that your BF or GF is into you for who you are — for your great sense of humor, your love of reality TV, etc. Does your partner listen when you say you're not comfortable doing something and then back off right away? Respect in a relationship means that each person values who the other is and understands — and would never challenge — the other person's boundaries.

  Trust. It's OK to get a little jealous sometimes — jealousy is a natural emotion. But how a person reacts when feeling jealous is what matters. There's no way you can have a healthy relationship if you don't trust each other.

  Honesty. This one goes hand-in-hand with trust because it's tough to trust someone when one of you isn't being honest. Have you ever caught your girlfriend in a major lie? Like she told you that she had to work on Friday night but it turned out she was at the movies with her friends? The next time she says she has to work, you'll have a lot more trouble believing her and the trust will be on shaky ground.

  Support. It's not just in bad times that your partner should support you. Some people are great when your whole world is falling apart but can't take being there when things are going right (and vice versa). In a healthy relationship, your BF/GF is there with a shoulder to cry on when you find out your parents are getting divorced and to celebrate with you when you get the lead in a play.

  Fairness/equality. You need to have give-and-take in your relationship, too. Do you take turns choosing which new movie to see? As a couple, do you hang out with your partner's friends as often as you hang out with yours? It's not like you have to keep a running count and make sure things are exactly even, of course. But you'll know if it isn't a pretty fair balance. Things get bad really fast when a relationship turns into a power struggle, with one person fighting to get his or her way all the time.

  Separate identities. In a healthy relationship, everyone needs to make compromises. But that doesn't mean you should feel like you're losing out on being yourself. When you started going out, you both had your own lives (families, friends, interests, hobbies, etc.) and that shouldn't change. Neither of you should have to pretend to like something you don't, or give up seeing your friends, or drop out of activities you love. And you also should feel free to keep developing new talents or interests, making new friends, and moving forward.

  Good communication. You've probably heard lots of stuff about how men and women don't seem to speak the same language. We all know how many different meanings the little phrase "no, nothing's wrong" can have, depending on who's saying it! But what's important is to ask if you're not sure what he or she means, and speak honestly and openly so that the miscommunication is avoided in the first place. Never keep a feeling bottled up because you're afraid it's not what your BF or GF wants to hear or because you worry about sounding silly. And if you need some time to think something through before you're ready to talk about it, the right person will give you some space to do that if you ask for it.

 Sounds nice right? You deserve to have all of the above, now that's a healthy relationship! Info from: teenshealth.org/teen/

So your friend is abusive...what do you do?

We love our friends, and it's hard to tell them that we think they are doing something wrong. But it's our job as friends to call them out when they are being abusive, after all, it reflects who WE are if we continue to hang out with them. It's not easy to tell your friend that you think they are being abusive to their bf or gf, here are some tips to help the process go smoother:


*If you feel safe doing so, ask your friend how they feel and let them know you're concerned.

*Encourage your friend to talk to a counselor or an adult they trust for help. Be there for them when they reach out for help.

*Don't cut off your friend. Listen to them and help them clarify their feelings.

*Encourage them to be honest.

*Understand that abuse is a choice and don't get stuck in the middle.

*Don't encourage or make jokes about abuse. You want to be a part of the solution, not the problem.

Yeah, it's hard to tell your friend that they are being abusive, but it's even harder to stand by and watch it happen. Don't be a bystander, it's just not a good look on anyone.

Still having a hard time breaking the ice? Need some more advice or helpful hints?Contact the National Dating Abuse Helpline at www.loveisrespect.org and at 1-866-331-9474 (1-866-331-8453 TTY)

Info from thatsnotcool.org

Are you treating your bf/gf right? Check yourself with this quiz!

1. Do you ever get upset when your partner spends time with their family or friends without you?

2. Have you ever checked your partner’s phone or text messages without them knowing?

3. During past disagreements with your partner, have you been able to discuss problems calmly and resolve them together?

4. Have you ever tried to convince your partner to be more sexual with you?

5. In your opinion, is it ever ok to keep certain things private from your partner?

See how you scored:

1. If you answered YES: In a healthy relationship, it is important for both partners to respect each other’s space and their relationships with others. Discouraging or preventing a partner from seeing family or friends is controlling and unfair. Trying to control your partner is a warning sign for abusive behavior.

2. If you answered YES: Checking someone’s messages without their permission violates their privacy and their trust in you. If you are checking up on them because you suspect they are cheating it is best to be direct and talk about it.

3. If you answered NO: Healthy communication involves listening to each other during disagreements and communicating in a calm manner. Walking away from discussions or choosing not to resolve problems will deteriorate your relationship. Yelling and cussing are always inappropriate and are abusive methods of communication.

4. If you answered YES: A healthy sexual relationship means that both partners agree to and feel comfortable with sexual activity. Trying to pressure, convince, or beg a partner to have sex is unhealthy and shows disrespect for your partner’s boundaries and feelings. Using force or threats to have sex is sexual assault or rape.

5. If you answered NO: Although honesty is an important part of a healthy relationship, we are not entitled to know everything about the people we date. Everyone has the right to keep certain things private. It is, however, always best to be honest about things that affect the relationship. These are things that need to be shared.

Quiz from: teenrelationships.org